Kids gain confidence through real-life experiences. We can’t simply convince them to be brave and sure of themselves through lectures or stories. We can, however, put kids in situations that build their confidence and empower them to become strong, resilient adults.
Why is this so important?
Confident, courageous children are more likely to withstand negative peer pressure and overcome temptations that conflict with your family’s values, says educational psychologist Dr. Michele Borba. She adds that courage also boosts kids’ learning, performance, and school engagement.
How Parents Can Help Build Their Kids’ Confidence
Children—and adults for that matter—develop confidence and courage when their circumstances require it. Rather than waiting for those types of scenarios to arise, however, you can create them.
In this article, I describe three simple and effective ways to help build confidence in kids along with factors to consider beforehand.
Table of Contents
- Examples of Situations that Build Confidence in Kids
- Create the illusion of danger.
- Have kids order their own food.
- Require your son to ask his date’s parents for permission.
- Factors to Consider Beforehand
- Safety is paramount.
- Know what your kid can handle.
- Keep it age appropriate.
- Set kids up for success.
- Celebrate their success…and then celebrate again.
- But also allow them to fail.
- Some fears are crippling and take a long time to overcome.
- Building Kids’ Confidence Now Prepares Them for the Future
Examples of Situations that Build Confidence in Kids
1. Create the illusion of danger.
When my children were young, we lived near a small, wooded area with some walking trails. It was a great place to create an illusion of danger that would give my kids the opportunity to overcome fear.
Before heading out on a family walk one day, I pulled my oldest son, Noah (age 10 at the time), aside and handed him a small pocket knife.
“Don’t tell your siblings this,” I told him. “I don’t want them to get scared. But while we’re walking, you and I need to be on high alert. There may be some bears in the area today. It’s up to you and me to protect everyone. If we see a bear, we’ll fight it off while Mom and your siblings run to safety.”
To be clear, there are never any bears there. It’s just a small walking area in the middle of suburbia.
Also, I wasn’t trying to strike fear in my son just to be mean or as part of some twisted-dad power-play. This was an intentional training exercise to help him develop courage and give him a chance to experience the joy that comes with overcoming fear…even if it’s imagined fear.
Encouragement is vital to building confidence in kids.
Noah and I carefully surveyed every bush and listened on high alert to every sound. Throughout the walk, we gave each other slight head nods to acknowledge our secret pact of bravery. I also kept praising him for being so courageous and ready to protect his mom and younger siblings.
When we finished the walk, I celebrated him even more saying, “You did it! You kept us all safe!” His brothers and sister were confused. I explained the situation to them and how their oldest brother was ready to protect them. They too started celebrating Noah for his bravery.
Of course, no one was ever in any actual danger. But whether the danger is real or perceived doesn’t matter. Either way, you have to overcome fear. And when you do that, you steadily build courage and self-confidence.
That’s what happened for Noah. He believed that we were all in danger, but he didn’t back down. He fought through the fear and protected his family. And when it was all over, he was able to enjoy the sense of accomplishment that comes from overcoming fears.
A Bonus lesson.
In addition to building his confidence, Noah also learned another valuable character lesson: protect those who are vulnerable.
One of the countless joys of having a big family is that everyone has to look out for everyone else. We’ve always taught our kids that they need to take care of their younger siblings, protect them, and help them do things that they can’t yet do.
With my sons in particular, I want them to understand that part of their responsibilities as men (even if they’re just kids right now) is to respect, appreciate, and protect women. This is true whether it’s their little sister, their mother, or later in life, their wives.
This pretend bear scenario let Noah live this lesson out in real life. It also showed his siblings that their big brother loves them so much that he’s willing to fight a bear for them!
2. Have them order their own food.
This next strategy may not be as cool as fighting off bears, but it’s just as effective.
Talking to strangers, especially adults, can be terrifying for kids. You can help them overcome that fear and build their confidence simply by taking them out to eat.
Ever since my kids were old enough to eat their own meals at a restaurant, we’ve required them to place their food order with the server or cashier. They knew that they had to sit up straight, look the person in the eye, and speak loudly and clearly enough to be understood. They also had to ask politely with requests such as, “Can I please have a cheeseburger but with no pickles?”
My kids hated this at first. But over time, we could see their self-confidence growing and their fear diminishing.
This also get easier with each child. My daughter is our youngest and the only girl. She learned how to order food by herself at an earlier age than her brothers, and she got really good at it really fast.
Some of her success may be due to personality (although my daughter is shy), but I think it has more to do with the example that was set before her. One benefit of having a big family is that younger kids learn from the examples of older ones. All my daughter has ever known is that “big kids” order food by themselves. It even became a rite of passage of sorts. We got to tell her, “We think you’re ready to order your own food now!”
That may not seem like much, but to her, it was a significant milestone. She’d watched her older siblings independently order food, and now she was big enough to do it too. Her brothers also helped make it special by congratulating and celebrating her.
This is just one example of how to take an ordinary part of life and turn it into a confidence-building activity. When we set positive examples and provide consistent encouragement—even with something as basic as ordering food—we help our kids build the confidence they’ll need to overcome larger challenges later in life.
3. Require your son to ask his date’s parents for permission.
We just used this tactic for the first time, and I’m thrilled by how well it worked out.
Noah—my bear-fighting son—is now 16 and a sophomore in high school. He recently took a date to a school dance for the first time. (We just moved back to the U.S. after living in East Africa for four years. School activities functioned differently there).
Noah knew whom he wanted to ask to the dance and the young lady (we’ll call her Jade) wanted to go with him as well. Still, we told him that he had to ask her parents for permission first.
Obviously, Noah wasn’t thrilled about the idea. But if he wanted to go, that was the deal.
Shortly afterward, Noah approached Jade’s dad while he was waiting to pick her up from school. Noah introduced himself, looked her father in the eye, gave him a firm handshake, and referred to him as “Sir” and Mr. Williams (not his real name).
Jade’s dad is a well-built police officer, and Noah later told me that he was terrified to approach him. But he did it anyway. Mr. Williams granted him permission to ask Jade to the dance, and he also laid out the ground rules for the evening.
When Noah told me the story, he was bouncing with excitement. Yes, he was thrilled that he had a date for the dance, but he was also (rightfully) proud that he mustered up the courage to speak to Jade’s father.
I was also extremely proud, but I wasn’t the only one. Mr. Williams called me and told me how impressed he was with Noah for showing so much respect and courage.
Even Noah’s friends were blown away. Noah had told them his plan in advance, and they laughed at him. “No one does that,” they said.
But that’s precisely why I wanted to Noah to do it. Being courageous means doing things that others are afraid or unwilling to do.
When Noah told his friends how it went, they changed their attitude. “That’s actually pretty cool,” one of them said. “I could never do that. You’ve got guts.”
Lastly, Jade was also thrilled. Since Noah had the confidence and courage to talk her dad, she knew she could trust him in other situations as well. Mr. Williams explained it this way to me: “If Noah wasn’t brave enough to talk to me—someone who loves her—why would my daughter think he would be brave enough to protect her from someone who wanted to hurt her?”
Factors to Consider Before Putting Kids in Situations that Require Courage
1. Safety is paramount.
In all the scenarios I described, there was only an illusion of danger. At no time were my kids at risk of becoming bear food.
Courage also requires wisdom. We need to teach our kids to differentiate between bravery and unnecessary risk. If they’re in a situation that could hurt themselves or others, they need to have the confidence to walk away.
We should also work to dispel what Dr. Borba calls the “Superman Myth.” In her article in U.S. News & World Report, she describes it this way:
Many kids assume they need to look like a superhero to be courageous. Share stories of those who changed the world with their quiet, nonphysical brave acts. Jackie Robinson, the first African-American to play Major League Baseball, was heckled because of his skin color, and along with excelling on the field he showed great bravery by conducting himself in a professional manner on and off the playing surface. Mahatma Gandhi – who would go on to be the leader of nonviolent civil disobedience – ran home after school every day, as a child, because he was too shy to talk to anyone. Rosa Parks, the African-American civil rights activist who refused to give up her seat to white passengers, was described as “soft-spoken … timid and shy.”
Kids don’t have to overcome physical danger to develop courage and build confidence. When my son asked Jade’s dad for permission to take her to the dance, he wasn’t scared of physical abuse. It was the fear of rejection that held him on edge. Overcoming that fear, however, was just as powerful as fending off wild animals.
2. Know what your kid can handle.
In my pretend bear scenario, I knew that Noah would be nervous, but I also knew that he wouldn’t be so scared that he couldn’t move. There’s zero benefit to putting your kids in a situation that is overwhelmingly frightening for them. Doing so would have the opposite effect of instilling fear instead of courage.
Even worse, they might become so traumatized from the situation that it could take them years to build up the courage to face it again. It’s also just plain mean to intentionally put kids in scenarios that they aren’t ready for in the name of confidence building.
3. Keep it age appropriate.
Don’t let them fight actual bears. Don’t force them on roller coasters when they’re not ready. Don’t make your 1st-grader watch The Shining. This goes back to knowing your kid’s limitations.
After kids have demonstrated bravery, they should feel proud and excited. They shouldn’t have the feeling of, “I’m never doing that again.” If that’s the case, you haven’t built their confidence. You’ve reinforced their fears.
4. Set them up for success.
When you put your kids in situations that require bravery, make sure they have a good chance of success. If we were at a restaurant and the server was being a jerk to everyone, I wouldn’t make my young children order their own food. Imagine how awful it would be if they gathered the courage to ask politely only to have the server mock or tease them.
Yes, there is a time to teach kids how to handle rude people, but when they’re young, I’ve found it’s better to focus on one lesson at a time. You don’t want to create a situation where your son or daughter says, “See! I told you I didn’t want to do that. Look what happened!”
5. Celebrate their success…and then celebrate again.
It’s vital to give specific praise to kids both while they’re mustering up their courage and afterward.
Dr. Borba suggests encouraging children to exhibit bravery every day, such as inviting the new kid to play or standing up for a peer. Then, take time to share those acts of courage as a family.
She writes, “One dad I spoke with had his kids list their ‘brave successes’ on paper strips, then stapled the strips together to make ‘courage chains.’ A mom I talked to had her kids share their brave deeds at dinner time.”
6. But also allow them to fail.
As your kids get older and continue to exhibit bravery, their confidence will grow. That will help them persevere even if they succumb to other fears. When that happens, it’s a great opportunity to help them put their fears in perspective. Here’s Dr. Borba again:
It’s natural to want to protect your child from failure, but trial and error is how kids learn, and falling short on a goal helps kids find out that it’s not fatal. It can also spur kids to greater effort, which will serve them well as adults.
7. Some fears are crippling and take a long time to overcome.
One of my other sons was desperately afraid to sleep in his room without a night light. This wasn’t nervousness. This was freeze-you-in-your-tracks, can’t-think-about-anything-else fear. It would have been downright cruel if I yanked the nightlight away and made him suffer in terror. Instead, over long period of time, we took baby steps—together—to overcome that fear.
At bed time, my wife and I would walk with him into his room. Eventually, he’d go in alone if the light was on. Then he’d enter with just the night light. My wife and I also started taking a bit longer before we’d come tuck him in. We’d say, “I’ll be right there” and then slowly build up the amount of time before we’d come say good night. Throughout this journey, praise was essential. We constantly encouraged him each time he took another step toward overcoming his fear.
Building Kids’ Confidence Now Prepares Them for the Future
As a parent, it can be difficult to strike a balance between protecting your children and encouraging them to take risks and face challenges. But, helping your kids build confidence and courage is crucial for their growth and overall well-being. When you give them the opportunity to overcome scary situations, you’re preparing them to thrive when they enter a larger world full of even more uncertainty and risks.